Right Where I Want to Be.
by DynnaChae
Summary: Written in POV mode. It's my feelings towards Haruka. It begins with random thoughts.. not parto of the story.. but relavant. Read and you'll understand. Enjoy!


Random Thoughts......  
  
I sit here in seclusion thinking of the one I love. How am I going to tell those? Their eyes are open. Her soul is here. I can feel her presence. Her wings wrapped around this disgusting shell I have yet to shed. She comforts me. I know they will not understand. Fear overtakes my better judgment. You're pressing against me. Your hot breath on the back of my neck. I can feel your heart beat. I reach out and only grab air. You're still in my dreams. But I believe in you so much that you are real. If not real my illusion and for now that is acceptable. I need you Ten'ou. You are here and yet I'm terrified of the thought of dying without ever having you. I look at the mess I have gotten myself into and I curse my stupid conscience. Please reach out to me... Please....  
...............................................................................................................................................  
I pulled my bag out of my car and headed for the apartment complex. I cursed myself for spending another night sitting at the bar hoping to find intellectual conversation in drunk women. I just couldn't shake the feeling that she is near and I should be out looking for her. I threw my bag over my shoulder and walked around the moving truck failing to notice that we had a new tenant. I kept my head down and made my way to my apartment on the third floor. I placed my hand on my stomach. I think my time of the month was near and I was anything but pleasant right about then. I think the combination of that and my defeat really upset me. Perhaps it was just that I was so upset about not finding her that I made myself physically sick. I stepped out of the way of the nosy neighbors. Great, the new tenant moved to the vacant apartment on my floor. I liked the silence and I had a gut feeling this new addition would be loud. If it wasn't the tenant making the noise it was the nosy neighbors that decided to inspect her apartment by acting like a greeting party.   
Once in my apartment I checked my messages. Two from mom telling me about Natalia's b-day party and one from my best friend, Andea telling me she wanted to come up so we could go to the movies that Friday. I threw myself on the bed. I thought about her. She was perfect. She was tall and built. She had sandy short blonde hair and eyes that always changed from blue to green with her changing moods. Her smile was that of a goddess. She spoke with a smooth, deep voice. She would often sing in my ear, lulling me to sleep every night. Her strong arms always overpowered me and I felt so vulnerable in her grasp. She was nothing less than perfect to me and she was the only girl I would love. But would she fall for me? Was she real? Am I crazy?  
  
*You're not crazy*  
*What? Who is this??*  
*Just believe in me.*  
*I am going insane.*  
*You're not insane my love, You're just tired. *  
  
I found myself sprawled over my bed. I must have drifted off to sleep. I checked the clock. 8:30. Yea I fell asleep. I sat up in surprise as I felt something brush across my face. I placed my hand against my face. A tear? Was I crying? What happened? My dream? What was it? What does it mean?  
Night or day I still had daily chores to do around the house. I had to take out the trash and clean up the kitchen. I was grateful that Sagami wasn't here this week. He decided to take a vacation with Amanda. He was a great roommate and all but his girlfriend was a moron. I grabbed the black trash bag and tossed it over my shoulder. I kept my head down. The light in the hallway was mercilessly bright and I hadn't adjusted to it being that I never turn on the lights in the house. I made my way to the incinerator with my head down wondering if I had sleep lines on my face from sleeping on my arm. I was deep in my thoughts.  
  
*You're so beautiful. Do you know that?*  
*You again? Who are you?*  
*Just a dreamer like you.*  
*Then why can't I see you.*  
*Because I'm not real yet.*  
  
I quickly snapped out of it as I slammed into someone. I looked up in horror. I was about to start my apologies when I noticed that she had dropped something too. I grabbed her stuff and threw it in the box.   
"I'm so sorry miss. I was thinking and not watching where I was going. I'm such a clutz."  
"Don't worry about it. I do it all the time." She said.  
Her voice was smooth and deep. I still hadn't made eye contact with her. I was just too caught up in my latest encounter with this mysterious voice and embarrassed by my clumsiness to even think of looking at her. Besides, I didn't want her to see my sleep lines if I had any.   
"You're the new tenant." I finally brought my eyes to meet hers and I was completely dumbfounded by what I saw. I dropped my head again quickly. My eyes burned all of a sudden.   
"Yea. Nosy neighbors we have here." She said.  
I brought myself to look at her again. Slowly this time. I dragged my eyes up her muscular legs, up to her abs, pass her strong arms, and back up to her... green eyes. All I could do was nod right about then.   
"Yea they're always checking to see if the new tenant has something in their apartment that they don't." I managed to force out.   
She put down the box. Oh my god... she extended her hand. My eyes widened. She wanted to shake my hand. I forced my right hand to come up to my waist. Then I extended it as far as it could go. We locked hands. We shook hands.  
"I'm Haruka. My friends call me Ten'ou"  
I don't think I heard her. I was lost in the feeling I was having holding her hand. Like my defenses were down. Like if the wind blew I would fall. Like I was... vulnerable. Vulnerable in her strong grip on me. I pulled my hand away and nodded at her.   
"Phalen. My friends call me Tharez though."  
"What a beautiful name. Phalen Tharez." She said with no hint of nervousness in her voice.   
I had to get out of this situation. I think I was still dreaming. I needed to wake up and if making it to the incinerator would've made this torture dream stop then by all means I was getting there.   
"I... I should.... I should put this ... throw this out. Once again, I'm sorry."  
"Please don't apologise. It was a simple mistake." She spoke again.   
I pushed past her and made my way to the dumpster finally. My legs felt like cement blocks and I swear I was crying again. I slammed the lid shut but my dream still remained. I looked back at her and she had just made it to her apartment.   
  
*You have beautiful ice blue eyes my princess.*  
*Stop it please. Not now.*  
*Your hair... it's so soft. so beautiful. You're the first person I have ever met with naturally white hair.*  
*Rare gene.*  
*Our time will come. Just wait it out.*  
  
After the hardest walk of my life I finally made it back to my apartment. I pushed my door open but I froze. I turned and looked at her door. I stared for a long time. I must have sent some serious vibes out because she opened her door. We were face to face again. I felt foolish for just standing there. But what would I say? Hello you must be my dream lover because you look and sound and feel exactly like her? She would either kick my ass or think I was insane. She stood there standing and staring at me too. Then she spoke again.  
  
"I just felt a need to come to my door. For some reason I felt like I left something out here. Something I hold dear to my heart." She shook her head and looked up. "I'm sorry I must sound insane but I just couldn't shake the feeling that something that belonged to me was out here."  
  
Just then a huge male in a towel pushed her aside and stood at the door soaking wet. He looked me up and down and then smiled.   
  
"Hey who's your friend Ten'ou? Cmo'n share the wealth!" The male said.   
"Go back inside you loser!" Haruka shouted as she pushed him inside the apartment. "Please forgive my b......" She was cut short by my door being slammed in her face.   
  
I slammed my back against my door as hard as I could and slid down it neglecting to remember that I had to revarnish it because it had splinters coming out from every angle. I didn't care right about then. Little Pieces of wood cut my back through my shirt as I continued to slide until I landed on the floor. I buried my head in my knees and cried. I cried hard. I cried until it hurt. I saw my lover. It had to be her. It just had to be. And she was straight. I failed to factor that in. To think that she would ever want a girl. She needed someone that would protect her. She needed brute force and nice brown eyes. She needed that big husky naked guy and not me. It hurt.. and I cried like a baby. Once again, I thanked my luck Sagami was gone. I curled up into a ball by the door and wept. I just didn't have the will to move. I was useless.   
  
*Please.. I need you right now.*  
*All you need is to get as far away from me as you can. I'm no good to anyone.*  
*Princess, please stand for me.*  
*I will never meet the face of this voice. I know who you are*  
*Please stand. If you love me. Stand.*  
  
I stood up with bloodshot eyes and a tear streaked face. Someone was knocking on my door and I was too delirious to care what I looked like or whether I would have to go through the twenty questions as to why I was crying. I undid the top lock and pulled the door open squinting because my eyes had to once again re -adjust to the bright lights of the hall way. Damn, why did I open the door? Why was SHE standing here? I honestly didn't do anything that bad to deserve such torture.   
  
"I wanted to see.... you were crying...... Did I hurt.... Are you ok?" Haruka had no idea what sentence to get out first.   
"It's just my allergies." I was the worst liar when it came to telling people why I was crying. Most of the time I cried because I mentally tore myself apart over the girl that was looking at me with concern right now.   
Haruka took a deep sigh. She pushed me in my apartment and placed me in a chair.   
"I know we just met.. but you are alone. You need to talk about your problems. I'm a good listener. I promise to keep your secret." She spoke and gave me a reassuring smile. That damn smile...   
I calmed myself down and tried to the best of my ability to give her a lie good enough to get her to leave me alone.   
"It's just that.. I like this person.. I like this person a lot. And this person doesn't even notice that I love them. They don't even know me. This person... if I could tell her.... how I felt."  
"Her......" Haruka's voice trailed off dragging out the "r"  
"I meant to say him." I was a horrible liar period.  
"No you meant her. You're a horrible liar." Haruka spoke sympathetically. She placed a hand on my back as if to rub it. I guess she noticed when I winced in pain from the splinters. She didn't say a word. She stood up and pulled my shirt over my head. I screamed as she ripped some of the splinters out of my back that were still attached partially to my shirt.   
"What.... are......you.......doing?" I stood up in defense.  
"I noticed the blood." She said hardly paying attention to me but was running her soft fingers down my back. Don't worry I'm a girl I have the same things you have. Nothing new to see.  
I wasn't going to fight her. Once again I felt.... defenseless from her touch. I sat back down and shut my eyes ready to embrace the pain to come from her ripping the splinters from my flesh.   
"When I was a little girl... I used to get tons of splinters chasing my brother through the woods. My mother had a remedy for getting them out painlessly. She used to make me soak the splintered limb in water till my skin was soft. It usually made it easier to get the wood out. " She said deep in thought as to how she was going to get them out after softening my skin. "Your apartment is like mine.. only backwards... your bathtub should be there." She pointed across the room. She made her way to the bathroom and in a few seconds I heard the water running.   
"You really don't have to.... do this you know... " I still had difficulty talking.   
"Let me help. I need a friend or two. I'm new here and I'm trying to start over. I just want to make friends." The tall blonde made her way back over to me.   
I found a new confidence in her smile. I was able to make my way to the closet and grab hold of my robe .   
"Would you like something to drink.. maybe something to eat? I know you just moved here I figured you didn't have any food in the house yet."  
"My brother and I went out to eat. I'm fine thank you. Oh! That reminded me! I wanted to apologize on behalf of my stupid brother. He has a major girl issue. He just broke up with his g/f and he's on the rebound. " She spoke growing angry from her brother's recent behavior.  
"Brother?"   
"Yea Tao. He's such a flirt. "  
I felt like laughing, crying, smiling, and throwing myself off of my balcony all at the same time. My lover... was not with that guy. He was just her brother. But that didn't make me feel entirely better. She wasn't mine. She broke my train of thought when she told me the water was ready.   
I eased myself slowly into the hot water and just sat there for a while. Despite all the pain I was just in I felt totally numb as I lay in the water. I leaned back and rested my head against the edge of the tub. I closed my eyes as I started thinking once again.   
  
*You're so close.*  
*I.. I still can't see you.*  
*In time my princess... In time.*  
*No please don't go!!! Please don't go!!!!!*  
  
I slid lower into the large tub. I laid myself flat on the bottom of the tub and tried to release all of the tension I built up today. She was sitting out there. Waiting for me. For me? No. Just to help me. She just wants a friend. A friend......... a friend. Once again my thoughts were shattered by her entering the bathroom. She tapped lightly on the curtain and asked if I was ready.   
"Yea... I'm coming in a sec."  
I slid my robe over my arms and tied the knot. I pulled back the sliding bathroom door and made my way over to the stool by the bar. She walked over to me. She walked so gracefully. As if her feet never touched the floor. I felt the knot of my robe come loose then the robe itself being slid off of my shoulders, down my back and settling around my waist. I crossed my arms over my chest as she began to push out the little fragments of wood. It didn't hurt at all.   
  
*You feel so soft. *  
*I need your touch.*  
*I'm here. Always have been always will be.*  
*I believe you.*  
  
It felt like a total of half a second before she said she was done and smiled.   
"Thank you so much... for everything Ten'ou." It was the first time I actually said her name.   
She turned my barstool around to face her.   
"No more accidents like that ok? You're skin is too beautiful to scar."  
I hung on her every word. I followed her lips as she spoke. Her smile was amazing. I felt like touching her lips. I felt like just yelling out that I love her. But instead I pulled my robe back up and smiled.  
"Nah... I'll be fine.. it's just that stupid door of mine. For weeks I've been begging my roommate to varnish it." We sat there for a few moments in silence. Just staring at each other. Listening to each other breathe. Confirming that we were awake and not having a dream.. a rather good dream if it was one. She broke the silence.  
  
" I dreamt of you... a lot. I mean.. I don't know if it was you but someone like you. Almost every night I saw you." She lowered her head and ran her fingers through her hair.   
I thought I would not be able to respond. That my heart would stop. That I would wake up only to find it was a dream. I waited for a minute to pass for her to vanish. For my head to stop spinning. For me to just realize... that....  
She  
Was  
Real.  
  
But I was able to speak. I used my pointer finger to raise her head up by her chin.  
"I dreamt of you every second that I was alone with my thoughts. I would search for you every night. I felt like you were getting close. I felt like you were one step away. One impossible step. Then I ran right into you." I blushed profusely.  
She raised her hand to touch the side of my face. I pressed my head closer into her hand. She used her free hand to wipe away the tears that had fallen while I was opening my heart to her.   
  
"I knew you had to be real" We spoke simultaneously.   
  
She leaned in and brushed her lips against mine. I froze in a state of disbelief because I couldn't quite get a grasp of the situation.. and where it was leading to. She brushed her lips against mine again. I slid my had up her long neck and gently pulled her back down to me. I pulled her into the deepest kiss of my life. I had never kissed a girl. I never got intimate with one because I refused to let anyone but her touch me like this. I parted my lips and allowed my tongue to part her lips. She responded and opened her mouth inviting my tongue in. We kissed for what seemed like hours. Her embrace making me weaker with every heartbeat.   
  
*My love*  
*I'll never let you go.*  
*Nor will I.*  
  
She dropped her hands bringing them slowly up my thighs. She parted my legs and stepped in closer to me. We kissed again. This time it felt deeper than before. I broke this kiss.   
"I love you Ten'ou"  
"I love you Tharez"  
She held me tight. For the first time in my life I didn't feel empty inside. She was real and she was mine. I vowed to never let her go. She promised to love me forever. We made love that night. We made love until we couldn't move. The sun rose and we woke together and made love again that morning. I was lost in her but I was right where I wanted to be.   
  
~Dynna Chae~  
  



End file.
